Dancing Ducks

Sometimes the best way to loosen up is by dancing. It makes me sad when I forget that.

Lately it seems that I have too much time on my hands to think about things, and I feel a little guilty about it. I felt guilty about it for a long time. For a lot of other things too maybe. But I realized that pushing and pressuring and worrying myself isn't helping that much either. Sometimes you just have to let go and forget the consequences. Even if that means being vulnerable. Or stupid. Haha.

Occasionally I think that I'm too uptight and other times too laid back. Finding that balance to just be, to simply exist without feeling worthless or at fault. To be satisfied with the way you are...

And in other cases, ignoring life.

Being Productive Maybe?

So today I've been sketching characters from the first comic I ever started. It's a story that's stayed with me over the years, and one I've reworked several times. Haha.

I must say, it felt really good to get into it again. I miss the characters and the story. In general, I miss comics. And I think I've taken a long enough break from them. It's been about over two years now since I've gotten serious. And stories are my life.

I realized the other day that I should appreciate my creative talent more, even if it isn't much. Haha.

A little can go a long way, right?

Brain Hurt

I got home today from seeing another of my best friends. And when I got home, my brain decided that it was going to malfunction.

I feel like there is so much in my head right now, that I can barely make out a clear thought. However I do very much appreciate my friend's encouragement in getting me slightly back on track in the direction of making things. I discovered a few things about myself and my strange habits in storytelling. I really should work on those.

On a negative note, all I want to do is squish or crack my head open so all the brainy juices can just explode from it so I might feel some relief from my sleepless nights. My mind seems to want more sleep to make up for the hours of sleep that don't really feel like sleeping because my mind is working oh-so-hard to have action-packed dreamy fantasies and all that jazz. Yay? I think not.

My brain really is starting to hurt. Haha.

Tossing and Turning

Another wasted night of dreaming goes by. I've been having progressively worse dreams about a particular person over some period of time now, more frequent lately though. Before I had passed them off as nothing, even if it unsettled me.

But now. I have to admit, it's not good. I'm unnerved at how often they've been occurring lately, and that with each passing one I am even more creeped out.

I don't suppose there's a remedy out there for curing nightmares about a person who has seeped into one's subconscious. These dreams are becoming more and more unwelcome with every night it happens. And there doesn't seem to be anything really that I can do about them. I feel stressed because of them. And I don't like feeling stressed.

If they would just leave me alone, I would be most grateful. But that doesn't seem to be at all the case. From one or two a month or none, within this month it has become two or three a week. It is bad enough I see this person on almost a daily-basis, but to have visits from them in the middle of the night in my sleep is certainly unpleasant and making me a very cross fish.

And I don't like to be touched by uninvited hands.

A One Night Stand

I was laying on a bed in the dark thinking about my feelings while listening to some relaxing music today. And then later I got up and sat at my desk, and continued to do the same thing. And then for some reason I started wondering about what it might feel like to have a one night stand.

Intimacy is a precious thing, to me. And there are times that I feel so empty, such... Emotional nothingness that... I don't know.

But I think that's how I would feel if I ever had a one night stand. Used, or useless.

I want to feel elated about something. Excited or thrilled about some amazing thing. But every night, all I end up feeling is lackluster. And every night I toss and turn only to wake up to a morning of restlessness. Why can't I feel like I used to?

The Way Home

It was another interesting turnout for my city-adventure-walks with one of my best friends today. As usual, we started out someplace and then ended up someplace else. Descriptive, I know. Haha.

But as people like to say, it isn't where you end up or how you get there. It's what you learn on the way and who you're with that matters. And blahblahblah. Philosophical stuff like that.

Ironically, the moment of the day was during my walk home while my friend was also on his way home by train but in the opposite direction. So I was alone to share it, but it was nonetheless beautiful. After walking from 34th Street to South Ferry and then walking home to 125th, you could imagine that my legs were about to give way. So I'm glad to have turned the corner on the church to stand and admire a view I don't often see at night. Or, not often enough.

After all the troubles I'd been contemplating plus the aching of my feet... It was definitely very nice to find a nighttime view of NJ's lights reflecting in the river. I would have liked to have stood there all night.

One day I want to sit there with my significant other and ponder the workings of life. Until then, good night.

Thinking about a Boy

So I've had this crush on someone for a little while. I've been thinking about him a lot today. It's a little complex I guess, mostly because he's a friend of my sister's. Or maybe the complexity is an illusion.

Either way, there's nothing I can really do about it because I don't think he has any interest in me anyway.

I don't know if it's February that's making me so love-sick or what. I haven't really cared that much about finding someone the last few months and then February comes around and I'm in daydream heartache city over some boy.

Mind you, he's a pretty cute boy. ;D

Haha.