I'm living in the clouds.

Yeah, I know clouds are just precipitated water.

But I'm a dreamer, and I want a house up there. Haha.

I've been reading a lot of One Piece lately, and subsequently I've been having a lot of pirate dreams. Most of which I can't remember, only that some actually look like manga pages. Remarkable, right? First time I've dreamed in manga-form. Haha. There was also one time I dreamed in 3D animation, that was also quite incredible. I think I'm only missing black and white silent films at this point...

Back to the point. My head is constantly in the clouds, so it would be appropriate if I could in fact live up there. My only regret would be how tan I would get from the sun, I don't like being tan at all. Sometimes I think that's the only way I can fit in to this world. I'm anti-social as it is, living in the clouds would be not too different than what my reality is now anyway.

Cheers.

One-Fish Submarine

I'm living in a one person submarine and at odds with it.

There are the days that I love it. And then the days I can't stand it. When I feel stifled, torn up, beat up, prepared to rip anything apart.

Lately I've felt angry. Angry at nothing but then angry at everything.

I want to tear up all the insecurities and live. I want to breathe every breath as though I haven't a care in the world. The days I feel too much, and then the days I feel barely anything at all. The biggest obstruction to my balance is ultimately myself.

I'm going to go insane in this bubble. I feel it already. And yet I am meant to be a single being.

Yes, I want the closeness of another person. But I also push them away, quite well in fact. I'm an oxymoron. Two opposites trying to exist as one whole. And it doesn't work that way.

My submarine would tell you all about it if it could talk. The most I can do is watch.

It's easy to guess.

Sometimes it's as if I'm going along in such a way that nothing seems to bother me. And then how quickly it can change. I really wonder what I'm doing.

While I was drawing this, I was thinking about how some people overdose on drugs. Maybe it's long-term suicide.

It's easy to guess.

But how often are you right, is the real question.

And when it comes to myself, often times I don't really know what I'm doing. I feel as though I've been saying that too much lately. Another year has gone by and I seem to be at the same location without much improvement. I'm looking and looking, and not really finding myself quite yet.

There is still so much to know. What would I wish for right now...?

Lost at Sea

I've been reflecting a lot lately on what's brought me here to this point. And what comes to mind often is what I was like as a kid.

I may not have talked much, but I was a big dreamer. Maybe too much so. Haha.

Who knows how long I've envied those with their own private space, like a room. Some enclosed comfortable space kept only for yourself, where you can really close the world off. The only places I had as a kid was hiding places, like closets and underneath tables and often the bathtub. Even now, not much has changed aside from the fact I can't fit in the closet or underneath tables comfortably any more. So that really only leaves the bathroom now.

I know what I have. And I appreciate it greatly. But that can't prevent my wishful thinking for my own private space. A space to create and dream as I like, how I like and whenever I like. I know there really is no point in dwelling on something that won't change any time soon.

But it is something I think about because it is something that has shaped me so prominently.

I'm still a big dreamer.

And I'm still very much a kid with quite a bit of growing up to do.