It's a bargain.

I've been thinking a lot.

So much lately that I feel like I want to bang my head against a wall. Unnecessary business really.

I feel low on energy. And low on enthusiasm. All I really want to do is sink into the bottom of a tub full of cold water and stare at the ceiling for a long, long time.

Maybe I'm too simple-minded.

I expect common sense while unsuccessfully searching for security. There must be something utterly and completely wrong with me as a person. Everything surprises me.

I realize how naive I am and it's disturbing.

I think people look at me and realize how foolish I am instantly. It seems so automatic.

I feel sad over it, yet I continually fall into the trap of actually caring for these people. Though maybe it'll be better for me if I adopt the new-age attitude of nothing matters and trample anyone that gets in your way.

Or plain and simple, I am just dumb. And nothing can be done about it. I think I just won the lottery here.

Come Back

I'm feeling this overwhelming electrical field of anxiety build up in my chest. And I think that it's because I decided to do something I am sure of doing but am now second-guessing even though I know it is what I need to do.

Maybe I'm fearing the homesickness that will overcome me. Missing my family, mainly. And. I'm not sure... All I know is I feel this nervousness creeping everywhere, ripping open all my insecurities even though they have nothing to do with this trip. Or maybe indirectly they do, but even that's insinuating a little too far.

I'm honestly kind of shocked at the reaction I'm apparently having to this decision, which is too late to go back on.

I thought about it today. This morning. I thought about what it means to love those around you. I would do well to remember it always.