Pissed the hell off.

I am currently extremely angry.

Mostly because I spent my vacation back in the end of August at a friend's place for two weeks in her flea infested home, helping her clean, helping her pack, take care of her kids, her animals, doing house chores like garbage, moving, dishes, groceries, laundry, folding, organizing drawers, going to work with her and among several other things.
One, she didn't tell me she had fleas until I got there.
Two, she did not immediately take care of the flea situation.
Three, I ended up bringing the f-ers home with me even though I f-ing sprayed my bags, got on two different planes and it took me hours to get home.

How does this even happen?
All in all, I've repressed the fact that my vacation was not really a vacation for far too long. And I've been in an awful denial about exactly how much I can put up with in a friend. I kept trying to convince myself that everything I was doing for her was entirely worth it. I let every single thing that happened pass.

Even though she neglected me for her boyfriend. She f-ing had sex with him while I was a guest in her house. Holy hell you couldn't keep your pants on for the one f-ing weekend I am visiting you all the way from NYC?
Even though I paid for her first tattoo.
Even though I support her a hell lot more than her own family does.
Even though I f-ing gave her 100$ start on saving for her divorce.

And now where is she?
She doesn't even pick up the phone when I call. And you know, that's not the thing that bugs me. I could give a crap less about all that if it wasn't for nothing. The thing that bugs me is the fact that she's proving everything everyone has been saying about her: true. She's allowing it, she is aware of her actions. And she can't face it.

Friends I have deemed close enough to call my best friends, once they hurt me deeply there is no going back. And the funny thing is, I always give several chances and opportunities for them to take action or do something about it. Yet they never do.

Really all I have to say is, once I let go.
There is no return.
There is no going back to the way things were. I have let go.
And I will no longer do anything and everything for you in the future.

Everything I did was obviously all for nothing. It meant nothing to her, clearly.

Stuck in my own tracks...

When I feel as angry as I have lately, it's hard to think about how things can possibly change. Things haven't seemed to change for so long that right now, nothing makes me feel better for very long.

The only thing I can imagine doing is laying in bed, useless.

Pathetic as I've become, I'm still trying to move forward. It's such slow going that I may as well be going nowhere though. I am so frustrated with the way things are at the moment that I can't even put it into visual form, I just don't know how. And if I did, it would simply look like a lot of angry scribbling of dark colors. I've been trying to embrace who I am lately, the way that I do things and how I stand out (if that's even applicable any more). And it's been helping, but not nearly as much as I need.

I don't even know how to make it easier. And I doubt it's at all possible right now.

I'm lazy to think or do.