It seems like...

Sometimes I think I just look at life and say 'FEED ME'.

I think the greatest downfall of mine is that I wait and wait and wait until the right thing seems to come along and I take a bite out of it. Only to find maybe I was wrong. Or maybe not. Indecision is such a hard thing to overcome sometimes when you can see so many possibilities and outcomes.

I've always done things that I've had to in order to get by, and somehow I manage to make it every time. No matter what the difficulties, I make it.

And I've never really planned any of it. I've always just done what seemed like the thing to do at the moment. Or whatever I wanted. Or gone in a direction that felt right, which has always taken me someplace I found I wanted to be.

I go with the flow a lot. But it seems like lately I haven't been really getting anywhere. Wading the water? And I guess that's what worries me really. I don't know what will be the right? Or what I want.

So come on life.
Feed me.

Going Up

I like simple things. Like balloons.

I like thinking about how it would feel to be something or someone else all the time.

Though sometimes I wish that I were more grounded on my evaluations/values as opposed to how fleeting and fickle I can be every so often.

What I Need

I think it's pretty clear that I'm emotionally unstable. Haha. And I'm really moody. Or something.

When I think I'm going to be calm, small things set me off. And then later I'll be completely cheery. It worries me that I can't maintain myself very well in that sense.

I've been trying to lay off the tea, but maybe I should start drinking it again. I'm not sure. Because I think it affects my moods, but then sometimes it doesn't. It does but then it doesn't. Same for everything.

I'm at opposites with myself, and not in a balanced sort of way. Haha.

Every day.

There are days when I feel that the only thing I have is the care and love that only family can give. Yet I have never really found comfort in them. Perhaps I am too rigid to find comfort in anything.

And when I think about it now. About thoughtless words that've been said, I wonder how thoughtless they really were. Maybe I'm blowing them out of proportion. Or maybe the hurt is as acute as it should be.

Is it easier to let it go? As I harness these feelings over some short cold words, I can't help but think that I'm overreacting. And then I realize I've become a master at belittling myself.

My search for approval and affection goes failed once again.

As it always does.

Every day. (:

Maybe smiling will make the disappointment easier.

All Grown Up

As the goofball I am, I was talking to one of my fellow teachers at work about how some of her kids formed a little gang. And the image of them older as a gang was just so hilarious to me that I had to draw it.

I don't know why it amuses me so much. But I do that with a lot of kids, imagine them when they're older. It's just interesting to me, and sometimes they change so much. Even in the short period that I've known my kids, some have changed tremendously. And then I think about when I was a kid and wonder if I seemed to change as much as they do to those older than me while I was growing up. Because when I think about it, I don't think I really changed that much. All throughout pre-k and k I was a quiet recluse. But then I also think about how different their environment is compared to the one I grew up in.

I went to a Catholic school, enough said. Haha. Though lately I do wonder how different I would be if I'd gone to a public school as a young child. Maybe I wouldn't have survived. :T

Waiting for things to get better.

Maybe that's all everyone is always doing.

Maybe it's better not to care or worry about the consequences, then you wouldn't have to stop and think about anything. You would just do... Whatever. Taking risks. Throwing yourself in front of buses so to speak.

There are people who believe that some higher being is controlling all this, controlling the general outcome of everyday, the time we have left. Maybe praising this higher being will bring about world peace, who honestly knows.

Being only one person, I can't do very much or make anything major happen. And I look at the disasters happening in Japan and wonder how I can help. I know I could donate money to some organization, but thanks to my sister's cynicism she reminded me that you don't know exactly where that money is going and if it actually gets to where it's needed. And then I look at charity events being held and wonder similar things. How legit are they, if they're actually donating the proceeds and yadda yadda. How much of it all is actually getting to the people in need?

If I could teleport to Japan and physically help, that would be the only sure way for me. Maybe it's time to start praying for all of humanity.

In Slightly Troubled Waters?

I drown out a lot of things with music. It never fails me. Yet sometimes I think about the possibility of it hindering me, which is entirely likely. And probably true.

How easy it is to just forget everything and sit. And ponder anything. From the troubles of the world to the holes in my socks and the passing train or if life in other universes is happening too. How calming it all is to pretend that nothing else exists but the moment you live now. The moment you spend listening to a single song over and over late into the night, ignoring the feelings each melody evokes.

And smiling like nothing matters everyday.

All mixed up.

I've been feeling a lot like all I want to do is sleep lately.

That's usually a sign that I'm trying to ignore everything that's on my mind. Haha. If only it was that easy, right?

I'm having difficulty forming words right now of what I want to say. And this is why I would be a terrible public speaker.

Simply put, I guess I'm just in a brooding mood. Haha. I wish I had more to say right now, but I don't really... Maybe that I want to crack my head open or run around hitting things. That'd be fun.

On a side note, I have a crush on Naya Rivera.

Place of Origin

I dream about living underwater, floating around in peaceful blue.

Well it's my daydream. My actual dreams lately haven't been all that pleasant. The other night I dreamed about my mom mutilating my hair. And I can't remember this morning's but I remember feeling like I was slapped. Haha.

I have such violent dreams.

I dream about flying quite often too. And action-y super hero kinds of things. Among many other odd variations of things.... And chases and hauntings.

But what I'd really like is if I'd dream about something peaceful and beautiful. In the water.

Meditation

I'm kind of really fixated on this one thing right now. A very frustrating fixation.

And for whatever reason, I want to take out all my anger on this one thing. Which is unhealthy. But it's just sooo infuriating. Especially when I can't stop thinking about it. I can't seem to unclench the idea and simply deal with it tomorrow.

It's the paranoia.

I want to get high off something that isn't drugs.

Taking the Edge Off

While thinking about all the little things that can or do annoy me in everyday life, I imagine how wonderful it is to take all of that frustration and anger out through violence.

When you're just at that point of wanting to let it all out, as ugly as it may come. And then rationality kicks in. Or, as I like to think of it,

Restraint.

I feel like it takes so much more energy to hold it all in as opposed to unleashing it on your unsuspecting victim. I often wish I didn't have so much restraint when it comes to a certain person, but logic seems to hold my violent angry tongue. Enough times to make me feel terribly caged and irritable.

Not to say I enjoy arguing, but I recently came to the acknowledgement that I'm a much more opinionated person than I thought. And a lot of things annoy me. Perhaps I'm not so agreeable after all. (: