Pissed the hell off.

I am currently extremely angry.

Mostly because I spent my vacation back in the end of August at a friend's place for two weeks in her flea infested home, helping her clean, helping her pack, take care of her kids, her animals, doing house chores like garbage, moving, dishes, groceries, laundry, folding, organizing drawers, going to work with her and among several other things.
One, she didn't tell me she had fleas until I got there.
Two, she did not immediately take care of the flea situation.
Three, I ended up bringing the f-ers home with me even though I f-ing sprayed my bags, got on two different planes and it took me hours to get home.

How does this even happen?
All in all, I've repressed the fact that my vacation was not really a vacation for far too long. And I've been in an awful denial about exactly how much I can put up with in a friend. I kept trying to convince myself that everything I was doing for her was entirely worth it. I let every single thing that happened pass.

Even though she neglected me for her boyfriend. She f-ing had sex with him while I was a guest in her house. Holy hell you couldn't keep your pants on for the one f-ing weekend I am visiting you all the way from NYC?
Even though I paid for her first tattoo.
Even though I support her a hell lot more than her own family does.
Even though I f-ing gave her 100$ start on saving for her divorce.

And now where is she?
She doesn't even pick up the phone when I call. And you know, that's not the thing that bugs me. I could give a crap less about all that if it wasn't for nothing. The thing that bugs me is the fact that she's proving everything everyone has been saying about her: true. She's allowing it, she is aware of her actions. And she can't face it.

Friends I have deemed close enough to call my best friends, once they hurt me deeply there is no going back. And the funny thing is, I always give several chances and opportunities for them to take action or do something about it. Yet they never do.

Really all I have to say is, once I let go.
There is no return.
There is no going back to the way things were. I have let go.
And I will no longer do anything and everything for you in the future.

Everything I did was obviously all for nothing. It meant nothing to her, clearly.

Stuck in my own tracks...

When I feel as angry as I have lately, it's hard to think about how things can possibly change. Things haven't seemed to change for so long that right now, nothing makes me feel better for very long.

The only thing I can imagine doing is laying in bed, useless.

Pathetic as I've become, I'm still trying to move forward. It's such slow going that I may as well be going nowhere though. I am so frustrated with the way things are at the moment that I can't even put it into visual form, I just don't know how. And if I did, it would simply look like a lot of angry scribbling of dark colors. I've been trying to embrace who I am lately, the way that I do things and how I stand out (if that's even applicable any more). And it's been helping, but not nearly as much as I need.

I don't even know how to make it easier. And I doubt it's at all possible right now.

I'm lazy to think or do.

There's a lot of static.

When I feel as chaotic as I do right now, it makes me wonder how I keep myself from exploding. The last two days have been nothing but me going out of my mind ready to throw everything out the window or burst into tears or hide in my bed or leap off a cliff.

Numerous of thoughts have occurred to me. None of them helpful.

The only thing I've really been able to get done since being back is this sketch. Something meaningful out of all the meaningless things I've been doing... Or. Been unable to do as I've been extremely unproductive for the last several months or so.

A redesign of a tattoo for a friend, a symbol of her love for her children regardless that they have autism. And yes it seems inconceivable to not love your children because of autism, but you would be amazed at how horrible people can be. And I respect her very much for what she has to do every single day with her two children.

Aside from this I'm completely useless.

Could things be worse? Certainly.
Could I be making them better at this particular moment? Yes in plenty of ways.

However I lack the motivation to do any of it. Anything in general plus the matters of insecurity and worthlessness that have cropped up yet again. I fear I've gone through these circles a little too often for comfort. But I have no solution, as much as I think and think and think. I have nothing.

Hands Up

I've been contemplating it a lot lately, what it means to have passion.

Passion for what? For who? How much? How? For what reason?

I question my own all the time. Sometimes I feel a lot. Sometimes I feel none. Sometimes too much. Sometimes a burst but gone in an instant. How to maintain it? How to nurture it?

Maybe I'm not cut out for passion.

Some days I feel that the only way to express my passion is by dancing around in a room alone. Taking walks alone. Watching sunsets alone. Laying on the couch with music on alone. Sitting in the dark alone. Standing in a crowded street alone. Staring at the sky alone. Laying in bed alone. Laying on the floor alone.

How can I feel more? How can I be more? It never feels enough. Whatever I'm doing...

Sometimes putting my arms around myself pretending someone is hugging me is the best comfort I can feel only because there is no one around me that can give me one that makes me feel at ease any more.

Where did you go person of mine? I lost you in the tide it seems. You hurt me and then you let me leave. If that's the limitation of your passion, perhaps your hold should have never comforted me to begin with. It's the idea of you I keep falling in love with, not you.

Please play a song for me.

It's a bargain.

I've been thinking a lot.

So much lately that I feel like I want to bang my head against a wall. Unnecessary business really.

I feel low on energy. And low on enthusiasm. All I really want to do is sink into the bottom of a tub full of cold water and stare at the ceiling for a long, long time.

Maybe I'm too simple-minded.

I expect common sense while unsuccessfully searching for security. There must be something utterly and completely wrong with me as a person. Everything surprises me.

I realize how naive I am and it's disturbing.

I think people look at me and realize how foolish I am instantly. It seems so automatic.

I feel sad over it, yet I continually fall into the trap of actually caring for these people. Though maybe it'll be better for me if I adopt the new-age attitude of nothing matters and trample anyone that gets in your way.

Or plain and simple, I am just dumb. And nothing can be done about it. I think I just won the lottery here.

Come Back

I'm feeling this overwhelming electrical field of anxiety build up in my chest. And I think that it's because I decided to do something I am sure of doing but am now second-guessing even though I know it is what I need to do.

Maybe I'm fearing the homesickness that will overcome me. Missing my family, mainly. And. I'm not sure... All I know is I feel this nervousness creeping everywhere, ripping open all my insecurities even though they have nothing to do with this trip. Or maybe indirectly they do, but even that's insinuating a little too far.

I'm honestly kind of shocked at the reaction I'm apparently having to this decision, which is too late to go back on.

I thought about it today. This morning. I thought about what it means to love those around you. I would do well to remember it always.

I'm living in the clouds.

Yeah, I know clouds are just precipitated water.

But I'm a dreamer, and I want a house up there. Haha.

I've been reading a lot of One Piece lately, and subsequently I've been having a lot of pirate dreams. Most of which I can't remember, only that some actually look like manga pages. Remarkable, right? First time I've dreamed in manga-form. Haha. There was also one time I dreamed in 3D animation, that was also quite incredible. I think I'm only missing black and white silent films at this point...

Back to the point. My head is constantly in the clouds, so it would be appropriate if I could in fact live up there. My only regret would be how tan I would get from the sun, I don't like being tan at all. Sometimes I think that's the only way I can fit in to this world. I'm anti-social as it is, living in the clouds would be not too different than what my reality is now anyway.

Cheers.