Pissed the hell off.

I am currently extremely angry.

Mostly because I spent my vacation back in the end of August at a friend's place for two weeks in her flea infested home, helping her clean, helping her pack, take care of her kids, her animals, doing house chores like garbage, moving, dishes, groceries, laundry, folding, organizing drawers, going to work with her and among several other things.
One, she didn't tell me she had fleas until I got there.
Two, she did not immediately take care of the flea situation.
Three, I ended up bringing the f-ers home with me even though I f-ing sprayed my bags, got on two different planes and it took me hours to get home.

How does this even happen?
All in all, I've repressed the fact that my vacation was not really a vacation for far too long. And I've been in an awful denial about exactly how much I can put up with in a friend. I kept trying to convince myself that everything I was doing for her was entirely worth it. I let every single thing that happened pass.

Even though she neglected me for her boyfriend. She f-ing had sex with him while I was a guest in her house. Holy hell you couldn't keep your pants on for the one f-ing weekend I am visiting you all the way from NYC?
Even though I paid for her first tattoo.
Even though I support her a hell lot more than her own family does.
Even though I f-ing gave her 100$ start on saving for her divorce.

And now where is she?
She doesn't even pick up the phone when I call. And you know, that's not the thing that bugs me. I could give a crap less about all that if it wasn't for nothing. The thing that bugs me is the fact that she's proving everything everyone has been saying about her: true. She's allowing it, she is aware of her actions. And she can't face it.

Friends I have deemed close enough to call my best friends, once they hurt me deeply there is no going back. And the funny thing is, I always give several chances and opportunities for them to take action or do something about it. Yet they never do.

Really all I have to say is, once I let go.
There is no return.
There is no going back to the way things were. I have let go.
And I will no longer do anything and everything for you in the future.

Everything I did was obviously all for nothing. It meant nothing to her, clearly.

Stuck in my own tracks...

When I feel as angry as I have lately, it's hard to think about how things can possibly change. Things haven't seemed to change for so long that right now, nothing makes me feel better for very long.

The only thing I can imagine doing is laying in bed, useless.

Pathetic as I've become, I'm still trying to move forward. It's such slow going that I may as well be going nowhere though. I am so frustrated with the way things are at the moment that I can't even put it into visual form, I just don't know how. And if I did, it would simply look like a lot of angry scribbling of dark colors. I've been trying to embrace who I am lately, the way that I do things and how I stand out (if that's even applicable any more). And it's been helping, but not nearly as much as I need.

I don't even know how to make it easier. And I doubt it's at all possible right now.

I'm lazy to think or do.

There's a lot of static.

When I feel as chaotic as I do right now, it makes me wonder how I keep myself from exploding. The last two days have been nothing but me going out of my mind ready to throw everything out the window or burst into tears or hide in my bed or leap off a cliff.

Numerous of thoughts have occurred to me. None of them helpful.

The only thing I've really been able to get done since being back is this sketch. Something meaningful out of all the meaningless things I've been doing... Or. Been unable to do as I've been extremely unproductive for the last several months or so.

A redesign of a tattoo for a friend, a symbol of her love for her children regardless that they have autism. And yes it seems inconceivable to not love your children because of autism, but you would be amazed at how horrible people can be. And I respect her very much for what she has to do every single day with her two children.

Aside from this I'm completely useless.

Could things be worse? Certainly.
Could I be making them better at this particular moment? Yes in plenty of ways.

However I lack the motivation to do any of it. Anything in general plus the matters of insecurity and worthlessness that have cropped up yet again. I fear I've gone through these circles a little too often for comfort. But I have no solution, as much as I think and think and think. I have nothing.

Hands Up

I've been contemplating it a lot lately, what it means to have passion.

Passion for what? For who? How much? How? For what reason?

I question my own all the time. Sometimes I feel a lot. Sometimes I feel none. Sometimes too much. Sometimes a burst but gone in an instant. How to maintain it? How to nurture it?

Maybe I'm not cut out for passion.

Some days I feel that the only way to express my passion is by dancing around in a room alone. Taking walks alone. Watching sunsets alone. Laying on the couch with music on alone. Sitting in the dark alone. Standing in a crowded street alone. Staring at the sky alone. Laying in bed alone. Laying on the floor alone.

How can I feel more? How can I be more? It never feels enough. Whatever I'm doing...

Sometimes putting my arms around myself pretending someone is hugging me is the best comfort I can feel only because there is no one around me that can give me one that makes me feel at ease any more.

Where did you go person of mine? I lost you in the tide it seems. You hurt me and then you let me leave. If that's the limitation of your passion, perhaps your hold should have never comforted me to begin with. It's the idea of you I keep falling in love with, not you.

Please play a song for me.

It's a bargain.

I've been thinking a lot.

So much lately that I feel like I want to bang my head against a wall. Unnecessary business really.

I feel low on energy. And low on enthusiasm. All I really want to do is sink into the bottom of a tub full of cold water and stare at the ceiling for a long, long time.

Maybe I'm too simple-minded.

I expect common sense while unsuccessfully searching for security. There must be something utterly and completely wrong with me as a person. Everything surprises me.

I realize how naive I am and it's disturbing.

I think people look at me and realize how foolish I am instantly. It seems so automatic.

I feel sad over it, yet I continually fall into the trap of actually caring for these people. Though maybe it'll be better for me if I adopt the new-age attitude of nothing matters and trample anyone that gets in your way.

Or plain and simple, I am just dumb. And nothing can be done about it. I think I just won the lottery here.

Come Back

I'm feeling this overwhelming electrical field of anxiety build up in my chest. And I think that it's because I decided to do something I am sure of doing but am now second-guessing even though I know it is what I need to do.

Maybe I'm fearing the homesickness that will overcome me. Missing my family, mainly. And. I'm not sure... All I know is I feel this nervousness creeping everywhere, ripping open all my insecurities even though they have nothing to do with this trip. Or maybe indirectly they do, but even that's insinuating a little too far.

I'm honestly kind of shocked at the reaction I'm apparently having to this decision, which is too late to go back on.

I thought about it today. This morning. I thought about what it means to love those around you. I would do well to remember it always.

I'm living in the clouds.

Yeah, I know clouds are just precipitated water.

But I'm a dreamer, and I want a house up there. Haha.

I've been reading a lot of One Piece lately, and subsequently I've been having a lot of pirate dreams. Most of which I can't remember, only that some actually look like manga pages. Remarkable, right? First time I've dreamed in manga-form. Haha. There was also one time I dreamed in 3D animation, that was also quite incredible. I think I'm only missing black and white silent films at this point...

Back to the point. My head is constantly in the clouds, so it would be appropriate if I could in fact live up there. My only regret would be how tan I would get from the sun, I don't like being tan at all. Sometimes I think that's the only way I can fit in to this world. I'm anti-social as it is, living in the clouds would be not too different than what my reality is now anyway.

Cheers.

One-Fish Submarine

I'm living in a one person submarine and at odds with it.

There are the days that I love it. And then the days I can't stand it. When I feel stifled, torn up, beat up, prepared to rip anything apart.

Lately I've felt angry. Angry at nothing but then angry at everything.

I want to tear up all the insecurities and live. I want to breathe every breath as though I haven't a care in the world. The days I feel too much, and then the days I feel barely anything at all. The biggest obstruction to my balance is ultimately myself.

I'm going to go insane in this bubble. I feel it already. And yet I am meant to be a single being.

Yes, I want the closeness of another person. But I also push them away, quite well in fact. I'm an oxymoron. Two opposites trying to exist as one whole. And it doesn't work that way.

My submarine would tell you all about it if it could talk. The most I can do is watch.

It's easy to guess.

Sometimes it's as if I'm going along in such a way that nothing seems to bother me. And then how quickly it can change. I really wonder what I'm doing.

While I was drawing this, I was thinking about how some people overdose on drugs. Maybe it's long-term suicide.

It's easy to guess.

But how often are you right, is the real question.

And when it comes to myself, often times I don't really know what I'm doing. I feel as though I've been saying that too much lately. Another year has gone by and I seem to be at the same location without much improvement. I'm looking and looking, and not really finding myself quite yet.

There is still so much to know. What would I wish for right now...?

Lost at Sea

I've been reflecting a lot lately on what's brought me here to this point. And what comes to mind often is what I was like as a kid.

I may not have talked much, but I was a big dreamer. Maybe too much so. Haha.

Who knows how long I've envied those with their own private space, like a room. Some enclosed comfortable space kept only for yourself, where you can really close the world off. The only places I had as a kid was hiding places, like closets and underneath tables and often the bathtub. Even now, not much has changed aside from the fact I can't fit in the closet or underneath tables comfortably any more. So that really only leaves the bathroom now.

I know what I have. And I appreciate it greatly. But that can't prevent my wishful thinking for my own private space. A space to create and dream as I like, how I like and whenever I like. I know there really is no point in dwelling on something that won't change any time soon.

But it is something I think about because it is something that has shaped me so prominently.

I'm still a big dreamer.

And I'm still very much a kid with quite a bit of growing up to do.

Not up to much.

So aside from not being up to very much, I've been slowly deteriorating in my mind.

Hurrah! For me.

It doesn't help that I've been coughing up a lung all week. Along with other physical things that are inhibiting me from being in a normal state.

A series of things have happened, but I don't really feel like talking about them much. Instead, I'm going to share with you some fanart I did of two of my favorite rappers. Haha.

I'm dizzy.

Lately I've felt so defeated, maybe it's partially the weather's fault.

And I also feel very distant from a lot of people. I'm living like a ghost. Haha.

It seems like I've desensitized myself from attachment because they all leave in the end anyway. So what's the point of holding on, right? Something like that maybe.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just talking to talk I suppose.

Making up for lost time.

It's hard for me to talk about this because it is one of the most painful things I think about when I think about myself.

All I want to say really is...

I hope I can make you proud one day.

I know I've made so many mistakes. And I'll keep making them. I only hope I've learned from them, and will make fewer in the future. But that's never certain.

I miss you. And I'm sorry it took me four years to pay tribute to you like I should have. But it hurt too much to remember all the things I didn't do.

I hope that in heaven, one day you can be proud of the person I'm becoming.
I hope that I can be as strong as you were.

It seems like...

Sometimes I think I just look at life and say 'FEED ME'.

I think the greatest downfall of mine is that I wait and wait and wait until the right thing seems to come along and I take a bite out of it. Only to find maybe I was wrong. Or maybe not. Indecision is such a hard thing to overcome sometimes when you can see so many possibilities and outcomes.

I've always done things that I've had to in order to get by, and somehow I manage to make it every time. No matter what the difficulties, I make it.

And I've never really planned any of it. I've always just done what seemed like the thing to do at the moment. Or whatever I wanted. Or gone in a direction that felt right, which has always taken me someplace I found I wanted to be.

I go with the flow a lot. But it seems like lately I haven't been really getting anywhere. Wading the water? And I guess that's what worries me really. I don't know what will be the right? Or what I want.

So come on life.
Feed me.

Going Up

I like simple things. Like balloons.

I like thinking about how it would feel to be something or someone else all the time.

Though sometimes I wish that I were more grounded on my evaluations/values as opposed to how fleeting and fickle I can be every so often.

What I Need

I think it's pretty clear that I'm emotionally unstable. Haha. And I'm really moody. Or something.

When I think I'm going to be calm, small things set me off. And then later I'll be completely cheery. It worries me that I can't maintain myself very well in that sense.

I've been trying to lay off the tea, but maybe I should start drinking it again. I'm not sure. Because I think it affects my moods, but then sometimes it doesn't. It does but then it doesn't. Same for everything.

I'm at opposites with myself, and not in a balanced sort of way. Haha.

Every day.

There are days when I feel that the only thing I have is the care and love that only family can give. Yet I have never really found comfort in them. Perhaps I am too rigid to find comfort in anything.

And when I think about it now. About thoughtless words that've been said, I wonder how thoughtless they really were. Maybe I'm blowing them out of proportion. Or maybe the hurt is as acute as it should be.

Is it easier to let it go? As I harness these feelings over some short cold words, I can't help but think that I'm overreacting. And then I realize I've become a master at belittling myself.

My search for approval and affection goes failed once again.

As it always does.

Every day. (:

Maybe smiling will make the disappointment easier.

All Grown Up

As the goofball I am, I was talking to one of my fellow teachers at work about how some of her kids formed a little gang. And the image of them older as a gang was just so hilarious to me that I had to draw it.

I don't know why it amuses me so much. But I do that with a lot of kids, imagine them when they're older. It's just interesting to me, and sometimes they change so much. Even in the short period that I've known my kids, some have changed tremendously. And then I think about when I was a kid and wonder if I seemed to change as much as they do to those older than me while I was growing up. Because when I think about it, I don't think I really changed that much. All throughout pre-k and k I was a quiet recluse. But then I also think about how different their environment is compared to the one I grew up in.

I went to a Catholic school, enough said. Haha. Though lately I do wonder how different I would be if I'd gone to a public school as a young child. Maybe I wouldn't have survived. :T

Waiting for things to get better.

Maybe that's all everyone is always doing.

Maybe it's better not to care or worry about the consequences, then you wouldn't have to stop and think about anything. You would just do... Whatever. Taking risks. Throwing yourself in front of buses so to speak.

There are people who believe that some higher being is controlling all this, controlling the general outcome of everyday, the time we have left. Maybe praising this higher being will bring about world peace, who honestly knows.

Being only one person, I can't do very much or make anything major happen. And I look at the disasters happening in Japan and wonder how I can help. I know I could donate money to some organization, but thanks to my sister's cynicism she reminded me that you don't know exactly where that money is going and if it actually gets to where it's needed. And then I look at charity events being held and wonder similar things. How legit are they, if they're actually donating the proceeds and yadda yadda. How much of it all is actually getting to the people in need?

If I could teleport to Japan and physically help, that would be the only sure way for me. Maybe it's time to start praying for all of humanity.

In Slightly Troubled Waters?

I drown out a lot of things with music. It never fails me. Yet sometimes I think about the possibility of it hindering me, which is entirely likely. And probably true.

How easy it is to just forget everything and sit. And ponder anything. From the troubles of the world to the holes in my socks and the passing train or if life in other universes is happening too. How calming it all is to pretend that nothing else exists but the moment you live now. The moment you spend listening to a single song over and over late into the night, ignoring the feelings each melody evokes.

And smiling like nothing matters everyday.

All mixed up.

I've been feeling a lot like all I want to do is sleep lately.

That's usually a sign that I'm trying to ignore everything that's on my mind. Haha. If only it was that easy, right?

I'm having difficulty forming words right now of what I want to say. And this is why I would be a terrible public speaker.

Simply put, I guess I'm just in a brooding mood. Haha. I wish I had more to say right now, but I don't really... Maybe that I want to crack my head open or run around hitting things. That'd be fun.

On a side note, I have a crush on Naya Rivera.

Place of Origin

I dream about living underwater, floating around in peaceful blue.

Well it's my daydream. My actual dreams lately haven't been all that pleasant. The other night I dreamed about my mom mutilating my hair. And I can't remember this morning's but I remember feeling like I was slapped. Haha.

I have such violent dreams.

I dream about flying quite often too. And action-y super hero kinds of things. Among many other odd variations of things.... And chases and hauntings.

But what I'd really like is if I'd dream about something peaceful and beautiful. In the water.

Meditation

I'm kind of really fixated on this one thing right now. A very frustrating fixation.

And for whatever reason, I want to take out all my anger on this one thing. Which is unhealthy. But it's just sooo infuriating. Especially when I can't stop thinking about it. I can't seem to unclench the idea and simply deal with it tomorrow.

It's the paranoia.

I want to get high off something that isn't drugs.

Taking the Edge Off

While thinking about all the little things that can or do annoy me in everyday life, I imagine how wonderful it is to take all of that frustration and anger out through violence.

When you're just at that point of wanting to let it all out, as ugly as it may come. And then rationality kicks in. Or, as I like to think of it,

Restraint.

I feel like it takes so much more energy to hold it all in as opposed to unleashing it on your unsuspecting victim. I often wish I didn't have so much restraint when it comes to a certain person, but logic seems to hold my violent angry tongue. Enough times to make me feel terribly caged and irritable.

Not to say I enjoy arguing, but I recently came to the acknowledgement that I'm a much more opinionated person than I thought. And a lot of things annoy me. Perhaps I'm not so agreeable after all. (:

Dancing Ducks

Sometimes the best way to loosen up is by dancing. It makes me sad when I forget that.

Lately it seems that I have too much time on my hands to think about things, and I feel a little guilty about it. I felt guilty about it for a long time. For a lot of other things too maybe. But I realized that pushing and pressuring and worrying myself isn't helping that much either. Sometimes you just have to let go and forget the consequences. Even if that means being vulnerable. Or stupid. Haha.

Occasionally I think that I'm too uptight and other times too laid back. Finding that balance to just be, to simply exist without feeling worthless or at fault. To be satisfied with the way you are...

And in other cases, ignoring life.

Being Productive Maybe?

So today I've been sketching characters from the first comic I ever started. It's a story that's stayed with me over the years, and one I've reworked several times. Haha.

I must say, it felt really good to get into it again. I miss the characters and the story. In general, I miss comics. And I think I've taken a long enough break from them. It's been about over two years now since I've gotten serious. And stories are my life.

I realized the other day that I should appreciate my creative talent more, even if it isn't much. Haha.

A little can go a long way, right?

Brain Hurt

I got home today from seeing another of my best friends. And when I got home, my brain decided that it was going to malfunction.

I feel like there is so much in my head right now, that I can barely make out a clear thought. However I do very much appreciate my friend's encouragement in getting me slightly back on track in the direction of making things. I discovered a few things about myself and my strange habits in storytelling. I really should work on those.

On a negative note, all I want to do is squish or crack my head open so all the brainy juices can just explode from it so I might feel some relief from my sleepless nights. My mind seems to want more sleep to make up for the hours of sleep that don't really feel like sleeping because my mind is working oh-so-hard to have action-packed dreamy fantasies and all that jazz. Yay? I think not.

My brain really is starting to hurt. Haha.

Tossing and Turning

Another wasted night of dreaming goes by. I've been having progressively worse dreams about a particular person over some period of time now, more frequent lately though. Before I had passed them off as nothing, even if it unsettled me.

But now. I have to admit, it's not good. I'm unnerved at how often they've been occurring lately, and that with each passing one I am even more creeped out.

I don't suppose there's a remedy out there for curing nightmares about a person who has seeped into one's subconscious. These dreams are becoming more and more unwelcome with every night it happens. And there doesn't seem to be anything really that I can do about them. I feel stressed because of them. And I don't like feeling stressed.

If they would just leave me alone, I would be most grateful. But that doesn't seem to be at all the case. From one or two a month or none, within this month it has become two or three a week. It is bad enough I see this person on almost a daily-basis, but to have visits from them in the middle of the night in my sleep is certainly unpleasant and making me a very cross fish.

And I don't like to be touched by uninvited hands.

A One Night Stand

I was laying on a bed in the dark thinking about my feelings while listening to some relaxing music today. And then later I got up and sat at my desk, and continued to do the same thing. And then for some reason I started wondering about what it might feel like to have a one night stand.

Intimacy is a precious thing, to me. And there are times that I feel so empty, such... Emotional nothingness that... I don't know.

But I think that's how I would feel if I ever had a one night stand. Used, or useless.

I want to feel elated about something. Excited or thrilled about some amazing thing. But every night, all I end up feeling is lackluster. And every night I toss and turn only to wake up to a morning of restlessness. Why can't I feel like I used to?

The Way Home

It was another interesting turnout for my city-adventure-walks with one of my best friends today. As usual, we started out someplace and then ended up someplace else. Descriptive, I know. Haha.

But as people like to say, it isn't where you end up or how you get there. It's what you learn on the way and who you're with that matters. And blahblahblah. Philosophical stuff like that.

Ironically, the moment of the day was during my walk home while my friend was also on his way home by train but in the opposite direction. So I was alone to share it, but it was nonetheless beautiful. After walking from 34th Street to South Ferry and then walking home to 125th, you could imagine that my legs were about to give way. So I'm glad to have turned the corner on the church to stand and admire a view I don't often see at night. Or, not often enough.

After all the troubles I'd been contemplating plus the aching of my feet... It was definitely very nice to find a nighttime view of NJ's lights reflecting in the river. I would have liked to have stood there all night.

One day I want to sit there with my significant other and ponder the workings of life. Until then, good night.

Thinking about a Boy

So I've had this crush on someone for a little while. I've been thinking about him a lot today. It's a little complex I guess, mostly because he's a friend of my sister's. Or maybe the complexity is an illusion.

Either way, there's nothing I can really do about it because I don't think he has any interest in me anyway.

I don't know if it's February that's making me so love-sick or what. I haven't really cared that much about finding someone the last few months and then February comes around and I'm in daydream heartache city over some boy.

Mind you, he's a pretty cute boy. ;D

Haha.